


False Memory

by Annsabella



Category: Star Trek: Voyager
Genre: Angst, Drama, F/M, Psychological Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-18
Updated: 2021-01-18
Packaged: 2021-03-16 11:09:23
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 12,088
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28830195
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annsabella/pseuds/Annsabella
Summary: Kathryn Janeway finds herself in a precarious situation and is unable to determine what is real.
Relationships: Chakotay/Kathryn Janeway
Comments: 6
Kudos: 24





	False Memory

After weeks of waiting, Gretchen Janeway had finally been informed that her daughter was now back in federation custody. She fought like hell to be allowed into Starfleet Medical. Had submitted to their rules and regulations in order to be allowed to see her daughter, now she wasn’t so compliant.

When the doctor stepped forward to greet her at the main entrance, she grasped the tiny pathetic man by the seams of his white coat and pushed him up against the wall. She may have passed her prime but hadn’t become the frail old woman many automatically suspected. Looks can often be deceiving.

“Mrs. Janeway, this is not-” the small man began to object but was cut off harshly.

“Save it!” She shouted, pushing him hard against the wall as she shifted her weight against him. “I’m tired of being told to wait, to be patient. Until now I have been willing to do this your way because you’re the doctor and know what’s best, that is until you kept brushing me off. I’ve kept my side of the agreement by not insisting to see my daughter, but now I’m afraid you’ve left me little choice. I’m going to see my daughter today Doctor Burton, and you’re going to allow it or so help me I’ll make you wish we’d never crossed paths. Do I make myself clear?”

He didn’t answer right away, looking from her to someone over her shoulder and back again. She didn’t much care who it was at this point, so long as they didn’t interfere. “Well, doctor?” She pressed.

“Gretchen.” Came a very familiar male voice from behind.

“Unless you’ve come to help Mark, I’m not interested in what you have to say. I’m going to see my daughter today, and the good doctor here is going to make that possible. _Aren’t_ you doctor?”

“Yes.” He stammered. “Certainly.”

Gretchen stared at him for a moment longer, her eyes daring him not to do anything that would stand between what she wanted, then slowly stepped back and released her grip.

Straightening his coat, he pulled at the collar of his medical smock before standing fully erect. Exuding what little decorum and control he had left, cleared his throat before instructing that they follow, which Gretchen did without pause. Mark let a few comfortable feet extend between them before following.

Mark hadn’t been comfortable with how she chose to handle the situation, but he fully understood her frustration. He’d felt like beating down the door himself to see Kathryn, but he also understood the doctor’s position as well. It had been more than two weeks since she was rescued from the Cardassians, and even longer since he’d last seen her before she took command of _Voyager_. She was only supposed to be gone for three weeks at the most.

At the time he didn’t know she was on her way to the badlands to capture a ship full of Maquis, it was privileged information. Now over the last five weeks, it was common knowledge among the family, but no farther. He was only told about it because he was going to be a member of the family, or so he and Kathryn had planned before this happened. And now, he was forced to wonder if she would ever have a future that extended beyond these walls.

As they followed the doctor past the first door and leading to the second, he heard the door behind them slide open. He stopped and turned to greet who it was once he heard the familiar male voice call out to them. “Preston.” He said and watched as he ran up to him.

Grabbing him by the upper arms firmly he demanded. “Where’s Katie?”

“Inside, Gretchen’s on her way to see her now.” He replied, then asked as he grabbed him by the arms as well. “Where have you been? We’ve been trying to get in touch with you since we first got the news.”

“You know I can’t tell you that. The important thing is that I’m here. I need to see her and know she’s all right.”

“Calm down,” Mark replied holding him tighter to keep him from rushing off. “She’s fine.”

Preston studied him. “Come on Mark, we’ve known each other too long to lie to each other. If she were fine, she wouldn’t be here.”

“What I meant is that she’s fine in the general sense of the word.”

Preston pushed him away angrily, but he wasn’t angry with him but at the situation. He never liked being kept in the dark. Running down the corridor, he caught up with Gretchen and the doctor along with two security guards. Rushing the doctor, he grabbed him and pushed him against the wall much harder than Gretchen had or could.

“What happened to Katie!?” He demanded as the two security guards grabbed him and attempted to pull him away, but he wouldn’t let go of the doctor.

“Let him go!” Another of the security guards said that entered, pointing a phaser at him. “I’ll use this if I have to, but I’d rather not.”

Slowly he released him, and when he did, the two security guards released their hold on him as well. “I want to see Kathryn, and I want to know what’s wrong with her. Why is she here? What did the Cardassians do to her?”

Doctor Burton stayed backed against the wall and out of arms reach as Gretchen moved to Preston’s side and put a hand on his arm.

“Captain Janeway wasn’t treated well, let me put it that way. And I’m sure you know better than anyone.”

Preston nodded.

“She was given a drug called axium, a favorite among the Cardassians during interrogation. She had five times the safe amount in her system when she was rescued. The drug causes hallucinations among others, but it’s mainly used as a truth serum.

“When she was rescued, she kept saying something about the Delta Quadrant, that Voyager had been stranded there for seven years. She wanted to see her crew, and she wanted to know about the Maquis she was sent to capture. But the strangest part is that she doesn’t remember being captured by the Cardassians, or anything that happened during those two weeks.”

“Maybe she suppressed it.” Mark offered.

“That’s what we thought at first, but over the last three weeks, and many tests later, many parts of her memory have been effectively removed. It seems the Cardassians have learned more about the human brain than we originally thought. Whoever did this was very precise. And because she can’t recall if she told them anything, Starfleet is worried about what information they might have gotten out of her.”

“I’m sure they are,” Preston said sadly.

“I’m going to take you to see her, but” he stressed, “she may not recognize any of you. So, I strongly advise that you do not push her, doing so can cause her to retreat further into herself. Do all of you understand?” They nodded. “Good. Follow me.”

Gretchen gripped Preston around the arm for emotional support as they followed. He covered her hand and gave it a reassuring squeeze. Mark walked behind them.

As they finally reached the door, the doctor turned to them and said. “I forgot to mention one other thing about her current condition.”

“What is it?” Gretchen asked softly, feeling fear of what she was about to see on the other side of the door.

“There are times when she slips into a catatonic-like state. It can last anywhere from a few seconds to several minutes. The longest has been documented at forty-three minutes.”

“Forty-three minutes?” Preston questioned incredulously.

“It’s important, and I can’t stress this enough, that if she does slip into one of these states in your presence you don’t touch her.”

“Why?” Gretchen asked.

“The first time this happened and one of the nurses touched her she became incredibly violent. The nurse in question sustained a fractured collarbone, broken nose, a large gash at the back of the head, along with various bruises, bite marks, and scratches.” A chill ran down Gretchen’s back. “It took three security personnel and another nurse to restrain her.”

“My God,” Mark said softly. “That doesn’t sound like Kathryn at all, she doesn’t have a violent bone in her body.”

“Under normal circumstances that may be true, but when a person is frightened or confused, it is possible. And considering her current mental state and what she’s been through, it isn’t surprising.” He said. “Now please wait here while I go in to assess her current mood. If she’s coherent and receptive, I’ll let you go in.”

The trio nodded, and the doctor went inside. When he did, Preston stepped up to listen at the door.

“What are you doing?” Mark asked.

“Trying to hear what’s going on.” He replied and waved a hand to silence him before listening at the door again. He caught the last few words of the doctor’s question. “-you today Ms. Janeway?” As he stood there waiting to hear Kathryn’s response, he felt his heart sink when one didn’t come. “There are three people outside the door who are eager to see you.” Pause. “It’s all right Kathryn. I think you’ll want to see them.” He assured, then another pause. “One of them is your mother.” If she replied, it was so soft he couldn’t hear it. “Would you like to see her?” Short pause. “All right. I’ll bring her in.” Preston moved back to Gretchen’s side quickly. Shortly the door slid open.

“Mrs. Janeway, she wants to see you.” Preston started to go with her but stopped when the doctor said. “One at a time. It’s best not to overwhelm her.”

He understood and stayed back. Mark moved up beside him and put a hand on his shoulder. Preston gave him a smile, but Mark could tell it was forced.

Just before Gretchen stepped up to the door, she couldn’t remember the last time she felt this anxious and apprehensive. What condition would she be in physically? Would she recognize her? Would she space out on her? Would she try and attack her? It was all the what if’s that kept going through her mind as she finally glimpsed Kathryn’s form sitting on the bed dressed in a rumpled blue medical pantsuit combination - if she could call this woman her daughter.

Kathryn sat on the side facing her, her long red hair hung loose, obscuring her face. Gretchen could see that on each of her wrists and ankles, she wore padded restraint cuffs that could be attached to the straps at the head and foot of the bed if it became necessary to restrain her. Tears filled her eyes, paining her to see her daughter in such a condition.

“Kathryn?” She questioned, and when she lifted her head, finally noticed how thin she truly was. “My God she’s thin.”

“She won’t eat. We eventually have to force-feed her.” The doctor explained kindly.

“Mama?” Kathryn questioned as if she wasn’t quite sure what she was seeing.

Tears fell from her eyes as she stepped forward, wanting to hold her in her arms, but stopped short as Kathryn pushed herself across the bed away from her.

“Slowly.” The doctor reminded.

She nodded and took a deep breath before trying again. “Yes sweetheart, it’s me. How are you feeling?”

Kathryn stared back at her through the thick strands of dull red hair and remained silent, her hands flat on the thin bed and her back pressed up against the wall with her knees bent up before her, barefoot.

“I’m sure your feet are cold. Can I get you some socks?”

“Over there.” The doctor said from behind and pointed at the corner. “She doesn’t want to keep them on.” He explained softly.

“Don’t be afraid Kathryn, I’m just going to walk over to that corner and get them for you, all right?”

Again, she didn’t reply, only watched as Gretchen slowly crossed the room and bent over. When she did, Kathryn flinched, making Gretchen stop mid-motion. “I’m just bending over to get them, I would never do anything to hurt my little girl.” She explained, watching for any other reaction, any response, and saw nothing. The tears came again as she bent down the rest of the way and picked them up. Straightening, she held the dark blue socks and gently shook the dirt off them before looking up at her. Kathryn only stared back at her unmoving. “Can I-” she stopped, her voice cracking. Taking a breath, she tried again. Seeing her like this was agony. It was killing her that she wouldn’t let her get close. “Can I come over and put these on you?”

Kathryn was still silent, and Gretchen fully expected her not to say or do anything but was surprised when she nodded. She smiled and wanted to rush over and throw her arms around her but restrained herself. She wasn’t going to blow this. Then slowly, she crossed the room. Kathryn kept an ever-watchful eye on her as she sat down on the far end of the bed away from her.

“If you slide your feet down, I’ll slip these on you.”

Just as slowly as Gretchen had been, she slid down one foot, then the other.

Keeping the slow pace, Gretchen took one sock and carefully began to slip it on after Kathryn’s foot jerked back a little, then stopped. After another second, she slipped on the second under her daughters’ watchful eye.

Even though this was destroying her, she looked up and smiled but couldn’t hide the tears. God, you look like hell, honey. She thought. “I’ve been trying to see you since you got here, but the doctors didn’t think that was wise considering how sick you were.” She said, verging on breaking down completely. “Oh Kathryn, sweetheart. I want so much to hold you. If only you would let me . . .” She couldn’t hold back any longer and cried, bending over slightly as her hands came up to cover her face. “What can I say to you? My baby . . .” The rest was lost as she grieved.

The moment she felt a hand touch her back she jumped at the unexpected touch and saw Kathryn pull back, pushing herself away. “I’m sorry honey, you surprised me. Please don’t be afraid.” She pleaded as she slowly extended her hand out to her.

Kathryn studied it for a few seconds, then reached out to touch it. The second she did, her hand shied away as if she’d touched something hot before slowly reaching back to grasp it. Gretchen smiled with encouragement as her fingers closed gently around hers.

“Is it really you?” She questioned softly.

“Yes sweetheart, it’s me.”

“I can’t be sure anymore.”

Hallucinations. Gretchen reminded herself before saying. “I’m real Kathryn, and I’m not going anywhere. You’re my baby, and I would never abandon you under any circumstance. I love you.” Slowly Kathryn moved closer until they were sitting inches apart. “I want to see your face sweetheart.” She said, and again, moved her free hand slowly toward her face. Kathryn flinched slightly but didn’t pull away. Gretchen’s hand stopped in midair. “It’s all right.” She assured, then after a few seconds, began moving toward her again. Carefully she pushed the hair aside, tucking it behind her ears. Then gently, she placed her hand on Kathryn’s pale cheek and smiled. “There’s my beautiful girl. I knew you were under there somewhere.”

Kathryn’s eyes filled with tears as she stared into hers, wanting so much to believe that this was real. It was becoming harder to tell the difference anymore, so she did certain things that helped keep her focused and in touch, such as never keeping her socks on. Her feet were usually cold by nature, and she learned that if she kept them that way, the cold helped keep her mind focused.

Closing her eyes, she felt a falling sensation, and her mothers’ hand was suddenly absent from her cheek. For just a second, she saw a vague distorted figure in the darkness. Then just as quickly it was gone.

Her eyes snapped open as she sat up with a cry. In the semi-darkness, she was momentarily confused by her surroundings. Taking a moment, she realized she was sitting up in her bed on Voyager. Her heart began to slow it’s hurried pace as she began to regain her bearings and took a much-needed deep breath to calm herself.”

“Computer, what is the date?”

 _“The Stardate is 52106.2.”_ The computer replied.

“52106.2.” She repeated softly. The date was correct, but that didn’t mean she had spent seven years in the Delta Quadrant or were even in the Delta Quadrant. “Computer,” she prompted again, and the acknowledging beep followed. “What is _Voyager’s_ current position?”

_“216 mark 346. Location, Delta Quadrant.”_

“And how long has Voyager been in the Delta Quadrant?”

_“Seven years, two months, eight days, forty-one hours-”_

“Thank you, that’s all.” She interrupted, and the computer fell silent.

After scrubbing her eyes to clear them, she tossed the covers aside and was about to swing her legs over, when she noticed something odd at the foot of the bed. _What the hell is that?_ She wondered, then swung her legs over the side and stood up. From her position, the object resembled a bassinet. A numbness ran through her body, accompanied by anxiety.

Slowly, she forced herself to walk and move around the bed in order to peek inside. When she did, she gasped in surprise. It was a baby laying on its stomach, sound asleep.

 _What is this baby doing here?_ She thought standing in the semi-darkened room, suddenly afraid.

She stood motionless, her mind racing, and felt like throwing up. _All right Kathryn, think this out calmly and rationally. You can do this, just don’t let yourself become overwhelmed._ But she was despite her self-encouragement. _Okay, you know for certain that this couldn’t be your baby, right? It must belong to someone else. So, if that is indeed the case, who’s baby is it and what’s it doing in your bedroom in the middle of the night?_ She couldn’t answer that question, but someone could. Did she dare call Chakotay or the Doctor? If she did, they would be concerned as to the fact that she couldn’t recall who’s baby it was or why it was in her bedroom.

She knew that Tom and B’Elanna were expecting their first child but hadn’t given birth yet. And no one else on board was pregnant, much less given birth to any child she was aware of. And even if someone had, why would she have it? Again, she didn’t know the answer to that either.

Somehow, someway, she had to find out. If it came down to asking someone, she would do it, but not until she had exhausted other avenues.

Heading out into the living room, she slid the door closed behind her as to not wake the child and called for light. When the room was brighter, she had to close her eyes for a moment after temporally blinding herself before opening them again.

Around her were many objects and personal items she’d come to know and cherish over the years; she also knew to whom they belonged: Chakotay. _What the hell is going on here?_ She wondered. _Am I losing my mind? Is that what’s happening to me? Have I completely lost touch with reality? Have I?_ Once again, no answers sprang forth.

Slowly, as if in a daze, she moved to her desk and sat before the desktop monitor. Activating it, she ordered. “Show me a list of crew members on board this ship who have given birth within the last year.” It didn’t take long to find; the list was short.

At the top was B’Elanna’s name and the month of April. Next was Megan Delaney along with the month of July. The last name she read made her want to scream at the screen in confused anger. It read Kathryn Janeway and the month of October. “This isn’t right.” She said softly at first. “This isn’t real!” She shouted standing and shoved the monitor off the desk. Pointing at it as it lay on the floor, her voice increased in volume. “Liar! You are a liar!” The baby she had left in the bedroom was now screaming. Slapping both hands over her ears she screamed back. “Shut up! You’re not real! SHUT UP!”

It wasn’t long before someone was ringing the chime and pounding on the door, but she wouldn’t move, continuing to stand with her hands pressed against her ears, screaming. Finally, the door was opened, and Chakotay, Tuvok, and two security guards stepped inside.

The second he was in he headed for Kathryn. When she saw him approaching, she stopped screaming and pushed the chair as hard as she could at him. He grasped it by the back and pushed it away as he stepped quickly to the side, sending it hurling into the coffee table where it bounced back and fell on its side.

“Stay away from me!” She screamed backing up and grabbed an antique dagger - sheath and all - from the shelf behind the desk. Throwing off the sheath, she held it in front of her, making him stop cold a couple of feet away.

With his hands raised, palms facing her in a fashion which would imply he wasn’t a threat, said. “Calm down, no one is going to hurt you. Put the dagger down and let me help.”

“Shut up!” She cried, jabbing once at the air between them, making him take another step back. Tuvok in the meantime had sent a security guard into the bedroom to recover and check the frightened screaming baby.

“Listen to me Kathryn,” Chakotay began calmly, “tell me what’s wrong. Has something happened?”

“You’re not real. None of this is real.” She replied lowering her voice, but the fear and confusion were apparent.

“What makes you think that we’re not real?”

“I don’t have a baby. I’ve never had a baby. And if you think you can convince me otherwise, you’re mistaken. Now take me back where I belong, to my _Voyager_. Now!”

Chakotay was at a loss for words. He didn’t know what to say or how to convince her that this was real, he was real, and that they had a beautiful little girl together.

“If you claim that you are not from this _Voyager_ ,” Tuvok began, “then logic dictates that the possibility must exist. Therefore, we should proceed to gather information. Would you not agree Commander?”

It took a second for Chakotay to understand where he was going with this but figured it out. “You’re right Tuvok.” He said, then looked back to Kathryn. “If you have come from an alternate reality, then we should do everything we can to find out where you belong, and how to get you back.”

She didn’t appear to be swayed by their helpful change in attitude. “Don’t jerk me around. I’m not stupid.”

“It was not my intention to cause you to believe so,” Tuvok replied. “In your reality, I assume you have a Commander Tuvok?” She nodded. “Then I will assume that he, as well as I, have never misled you purposefully?” Again, she nodded. “Nor has he lied to you?”

“No.”

“Then trust that I will keep my word when I say everything will be done in order to rectify the situation. But first, you must lay down your weapon and accompany me to sickbay so the Doctor may examine you in order to determine if you need medical attention.”

Neither he, the security guard, nor Chakotay, knew what she would do next. Would she believe Tuvok and go with him willingly? Or would the standoff continue until more drastic measures were taken? No one knew, but fortunately for them, it didn’t take long to find out.

Kathryn felt herself sway, then the next, she was falling. Every sound became distant, her vision growing blurry, and in the middle of all this, saw a face highlighted by darkness. It was unclear and unrecognizable. Once again, her eyes closed and felt a familiar falling sensation in the pit of her stomach, as if she were plummeting down a turbolift. Then the sensation stopped abruptly as if that turbolift’s breaks kicked on at the last possible second.

Her eyes opened slowly, and her stomach felt queasy. Sunlight permeated the room, and she could see her mother sitting on the far end of the bed talking with someone she knew: Mark.

“How much longer is she going to keep staring off into space like that?” Gretchen asked Mark through her tears. “It’s been over half an hour already. Can’t the doctors do-” she stopped herself short upon seeing Mark’s eyes travel away from her face and over to the side. Turning, she was relieved to see Kathryn staring back at her and smiled. “Welcome back sweetheart.” She said but made no move to touch her; unsure of how she would react.

Kathryn did not say anything, only stare at this woman who looked, acted, and sounded like her mother. She wanted her to be real, wanted it with all her soul, but had learned over time not to expect too much.

“Kathryn honey, you remember Mark?” Gretchen asked, indicating who he was by putting a hand on his shoulder.

“Hello, Kath,” Mark said softly, not wanting to upset her. “How are you?”

Her eyes moved to Mark’s face. This was a man she had loved deeply, had planned on spending the rest of her life with. But her time in the Delta Quadrant had changed her, had changed them both. He went on with his life, and she with hers. She had found love again in Chakotay, but he wasn’t here.

“Where’s your wife?” She asked softly.

Both Mark and Gretchen exchanged confused looks. “I’m not married.” He explained. “We’re engaged. Remember Kath?”

Her eyes fell back to her mother and asked. “Where’s Phoebe? Didn’t she come?”

Gretchen’s brow furrowed again in confusion, her questions making very little sense. “Who’s Phoebe Kathryn? Is she someone you know on _Voyager?_ A friend perhaps? If you tell me her last name, I can find her for you.”

“She’s my sister.”

“Sweetheart.” She explained kindly. “You don’t have a sister; you have a brother. His name is Preston, remember?” She shook her head, feeling fear and confusion gripping her like a vise. “I know you’re having trouble remembering things right now, and that’s understandable considering what you’ve been through. Perhaps if you saw Preston, talked with him, you might begin to remember something. Could you do that?”

She wanted to say no, but the part of her that still felt it was logical to gather all the information she could, won out, and nodded her consent.

Gretchen looked to Mark and asked. “Would you go find Preston and bring him here?”

“Yes,” Mark replied softly, then left quietly.

Kathryn’s eyes moved to stare at the gap on the bed between them, thinking. _How do you figure this one out Kathryn? How do you figure out what is real and make-believe? Is there a way?_ She wondered. Until a few moments ago, every time she stared off into space, she had been in a virtual blackout. Sometimes she would be in the same position she was when she entered one. Others, she would wake up in restraints. And every time - no matter which position she found herself - always awoke feeling run over.

At the top of her vision, she saw a hand coming toward her and pushed herself back against the headboard away from it as she looked up, locking eyes with her mother.

“You’ve decided not to let me touch you now huh?” She stated disappointed and saddened by her reaction. Kathryn said nothing and stayed where she was, unmoving. Gretchen sighed and retracted her hand. “If you could only remember what happened you would be free to come home. We all miss you and want you back. Your brother is taking this harder because he feels he could have done something to prevent it because he’s Starfleet too.” Again, she sighed, this time out of frustration as she turned her eyes toward the window. “He’s so much like your father, you both are. The two of you joining Starfleet to walk in his footsteps.” Her voice suddenly acquired a harsh edge. “Not one of you turned out even remotely like me. You both have this wanderlust that keeps you traveling. If you were more like me this never would have happened. You would have been content to stay in Indiana, settle down, and get married. I could have had grandchildren for crying out loud! And you would have been safe! You wouldn’t be locked behind dozens of force fields and doors while the people who love and care about you sit by helplessly as you quietly lose touch with reality! How dare you do this to us, Kathryn!” She said standing facing her. “How dare you put us through this hell! How-”

“Mother!” Preston shouted, getting her attention as Gretchen whirled to face him. “What are you doing?” He demanded. “Can’t you see you’re frightening her?”

Bowing her head, she covered her eyes with her hand, shielding him from her tears. Preston took a few steps to reach her and put an arm around her. Nudging her forward, she walked with him without looking up. Mark stood at the door to take over. “Go with Mark and get some rest, you need to get out of here for a while.” And for once she didn’t argue. Once they had left, Preston turned to face his sister. “How are you feeling Katie? I hope mom didn’t upset you too much.” Silence, her eyes fixed on him as he crossed carefully to the chair sitting next to the foot of the bed and sat. “Do you remember me, Katie? I’m Preston, your older brother.” He explained, but she remained unchanged. “Mom’s worried about you, we all are. I’m not trying to excuse what she did just now, but I understand it. She’s taking this pretty hard, harder than the rest of us.”

“That’s what she said,” Kathryn said softly.

“What’s that?”

“She said you were taking this harder because you’re in Starfleet and you feel you could have prevented what’s happening.”

Preston smiled, feeling encouraged by her willingness to talk to him. “I’m sure she did.” He replied as they stared at one another. “You don’t recognize me, do you?” She said nothing. “I could always tell when you didn’t remember something. Your forehead furrows slightly, but not enough that others might notice.” He laughed as a memory surfaced. “I remember this one time when you were about seven or eight, and dad had brought home a friend of his from the office. We’d both met him before, and I knew you didn’t recognize him, but when he extended his hand to you in greeting and smiled, you took it and looked him right in the eye and pretended you knew him. I always admired that about you. You have this ability to make people feel comfortable around you, so it isn’t hard to imagine why you were given your own command.” He paused, his eyes taking on a sad expression. “I was never good at that. People tend to make me nervous until I get to know them. But you could walk into a room and make people feel right at home.”

She said nothing, only stared at him as he looked down at the floor, rubbing his hands in discomfort. “I wish I knew what to say to you, Katie. I wish I knew how to bring you back to us.” He said, then sighed. “I guess mom was right when she told you I was taking this the hardest. I’ve spent my life looking out for you, protecting you from girls who were jealous of you and tried to hurt you, from boys who wanted to date you that didn’t have the best intentions. I’ve taken the rap when you did something wrong. I even remember carrying you on my back when you broke your ankle trying to jump across the narrow end of the creek because you saw me, and Andy do it.” He chuckled at the memory. “You were soaking wet and covered in mud, but I didn’t care, even though I pretended to be mad at you. But I carried you the six-hundred meters back to the house with you crying because you believed Andy when he said that the doctor would have to cut your foot off. I could have killed him for that.” He finished, his tone becoming somber again. “I spent the majority of my life looking out for you, but when you really needed me, I was half a galaxy away.”

Though she didn’t know him, couldn’t remember him, felt pity for him. “It wasn’t your fault. You couldn’t have known.”

“Maybe not.” He replied looking up at her, his blue eyes brimming with tears. “But that doesn’t make me feel better.”

The familiar sinking feeling returned, and as before, an image of a figure appeared. It seemed clearer than before, but not by much. She had closed her eyes again, and when she opened them, she was laying on a bio-bed in Voyager’s sickbay. The Doctor, Chakotay, and Tuvok stood around her.

“How do you feel?” The Doctor asked. She didn’t answer, only stared at them. “You passed out earlier, do you remember?”

Silence.

“Captain,” Tuvok began, “are you unable to speak?” She shook her head slowly. “Then perhaps you could elaborate on the statements you made previously in your and the Commander’s quarters.”

Again silence.

“Kathryn,” Chakotay said softly as he attempted to hold her hand until she pulled back, “all right, I won’t touch you, but if you would explain what’s happening, we could help.”

At this stage, she wasn’t surprised by what was happening, unsettled, frightened, and confused, but not surprised. She stared Chakotay in the eye and could see the same emotions reflected at her. “I don’t know what’s happening to me, but I want it to stop.”

“That is what we are attempting to accomplish,” Tuvok replied.

Sitting up, she pushed herself back and slipped down off the bed. The men moved back making no attempt to stop her, but she knew they wouldn’t let her leave this room.

Backing toward the wall, she bumped into it and stayed there. “Get away from me. All of you. This isn’t the way it’s supposed to be. None of you are real. None of this is real.” She said the few sentences more to herself than to them. Until she first appeared here, she was beginning to believe that her life in the asylum was real. Perhaps it still was, how was she to know?

“Perhaps it’s best if we don’t agitate her any further.” The Doctor said turning to Chakotay and Tuvok.

“Agreed,” Tuvok said. “I will check with you later on her condition.” He finished, then gave Chakotay a respectful nod and left.

Chakotay didn’t move, only stare at his wife in confusion. How could this have happened? He wondered.

“Commander, I believe it would be best for you to leave as well. I’m sure your daughter needs you.”

“She’ll be fine Doctor.” He replied not looking at him. “B’Elanna is taking care of her at the moment. It’s her mother who needs me now.”

“Nothing can be done to help if she’s afraid to let anyone near her.” The Doctor protested.

“You may be right, but I’m not leaving.” He replied, then turned his head to look at him. “I need to be with her.”

Yes, he did understand that, but he also understood what would happen. Chakotay would try pushing her to talk with him, to tell him what’s going on, and in doing so, evoke the opposite response. “All right Commander, you may stay, but I warn you not to push her, you’ll only succeed in making the situation worse.”

“I understand.”

“I hope so.” He replied, then left them alone and entered his office.

Kathryn stared at him as he moved up to lean on the bio-bed, and she moved along the wall away from him. She couldn’t allow herself to become drawn to him or allow herself to become emotional. This was going to be one of the hardest things she’s had to do because she loved him, all though she hadn’t admitted it to him or anyone. Was this some kind of punishment?

“I know you’re feeling a little confused, and I’m not sure why. The Doctor is running tests as we speak.” Chakotay explained, feeling tears brimming his eyes again. What the hell is happening? Is this some kind of punishment? He thought. “Talk to me Kathryn, let me be here for you.”

She said nothing and looked down at his feet, unable to look him in the eyes any longer. If she did, she really would go crazy. Or was she already?

“Do you remember us? Our daughter Sarah? Any of this ringing a bell?”

She shook her head slowly.

Bending down to one knee, he felt it was better if he could get her to look at him, face the situation instead of shying from it. “Would it help if I brought things from our quarters? Told you-”

“No! Leave me alone! Stop trying to confuse me, convince me that this is happening!”

“Why don’t you want to remember Kathryn? Was our life together so horrendous that you’d rather forget?”

Why was she resisting this life more than her life in the asylum? Was it because she was there longer? It was the first that remained so constant for so long before this one invaded her consciousness. _Maybe this is the real deal Kathryn? Do you really want to believe that your future exists behind force fields? Where doctors come and go and tell you you’re making progress? “_ It doesn’t matter what I believe.”

“What?” Chakotay questioned.

 _Oh God, now I’m answering myself._ She thought, then aggressively attacked him again. “Go away! Why won’t you go away?!”

“Because I love you dammit!” He shouted back, frightened that he was losing her.

“Commander!” The Doctor called standing beside his office door. “That’s enough. I think it’s time for you to take a break.”

“Doctor,” he began, twisting around slightly, “I was-”

“I know what you were doing, I could hear every word, and I distinctly remember telling you not to push her. I strongly suggest you leave of your own recognizance or I’ll have security come and remove you by force. The choice is yours, Commander.”

One look at his face and he could tell he would make good on his threat. “All right Doctor, I’m not going to fight you on this, I’ll go.” He said standing, knowing deep down it was best and backed away from Kathryn slowly before turning to face him. “But I’ll be back, you can bet on it.”

“Oh, I know you will, but not for at least another ten hours, and until I know you’ve gotten some rest.”

Chakotay turned away, not even acknowledging his statement, however, justified he may have been making it, and left.

The Doctor approached the console facing Janeway and said. “I’m going to erect a force field, do not be alarmed.” Then did so. She flinched when she heard and saw it come online, it disturbed her. “If you need anything, I’ll be in my office.” Then suggested. “You should get some rest as well. You’re quite safe here, no one will harm you.” He assured with a kind smile, a smile she remembered before he disappeared into his office after dimming the lights.

She was tired, extremely tired. When was the last time she truly slept? She couldn’t remember.

Leaning back against the wall, her eyes began to feel heavy - this time from sleep and not due to a change of scene - and before she knew it, was fast asleep.

Sounds began to fade in along with fleeting images. It seemed too much effort to pay attention to what was taking place around her - if there was indeed anything happening at all.

The vague image of a person appeared randomly, but the sounds were continuous. Beeping, humming, along with words that seemed distant.

“Just a little longer now. Don’t be afraid, we’re almost there.” The voice said. Her eyes began to open, but they seemed too heavy to accomplish the task and closed again, inviting the darkness to wash over her.

She drifted, allowing herself to feel tranquil, peaceful, but it was not to last. Pain erupted behind her eyes, growing intense. “Somebody help me!” She tried to cry, unknowing she had been successful in articulating such a request until she received a reply.

“It is the Doctor’s intention to do so.” Came a flat female voice. Her eyes shot open to find a woman standing over her with a hypospray.

She did not recognize the woman, but at this point, that didn’t distress her. What did was the realization that she had been restrained. “Let me go.”

“I am unable to grant your request Captain.” The black-haired, green-eyed woman replied in the same flat tone.

“Who are you?” Kathryn asked frightened.

“Susan Keats.” The woman answered. “I am only taking a blood sample, try to calm yourself. I will not harm you, nor will I allow anyone to. You are the Captain of this vessel; therefore, my allegiance is to you.”

“Then release me!”

“As I said, I am unable to fulfill your request. Please try to relax, I am nearly completed.”

“To hell with that!” She cried, struggling against the restraints as she lay on the bio-bed.

“I will be forced to sedate you if you do not cease your struggle, it is pointless.” She announced in that same flat uninterested tone.

She knew she was right, but over the last few weeks, she had awoken to find herself restrained one too many times. Finally, the Doctor arrived to see what was happening.

“What’s going on?” He asked looking to Susan.

“I was attempting to take a blood sample when the captain awoke and became irrational.”

He gave a nod and said. “I’ll take over from here. You can go.” Then he took the hypospray from her. Giving him a returning nod, she left.

Once she was gone, Kathryn felt herself calm a bit. She trusted the Doctor, whether this was real or not, he was a face she had come to trust.

“That’s its Captain, take it easy. You’re alright.”

“Who was that?”

“Major Keats.”

“What’s she doing here?”

“Maybe it’s best if we discuss this later.”

“No, now.” She demanded.

He sighed. “She was one of the GROPS on the Liberty, placed there to gather tactical information on the Maquis as well as the Cardassians.”

“That can’t be right. Tuvok was the one on the Liberty.”

The Doctor’s brow furrowed. “What makes you believe that?”

“Because that’s what happened! Why doesn’t anyone believe me when I say I don’t belong here?!”

“I never said I didn’t, but I have something that will help.”

She said nothing, fearing the worst. Lately, she had come to expect it.

“I have a serum here,” he said producing another hypospray, “that will stop this. I’ve given this a lot of thought, and it wasn’t an easy decision, believe me. But you can’t keep going on this way. You’re not from another reality, this is where you should be, but you’ve been infected with a neurogenic compound that I can’t counter. I have no choice but to save you, your husband and daughter, and the crew from your inevitable decline into madness. There is no hope of you bouncing back from this one.” He said putting the hypospray to her neck and injected the contents.

She tried moving away but was unable to go far due to the restraints. “You’re going to go to sleep.” He continued. “Soon you’ll be at peace, don’t be frightened.”

How could she not? He was murdering her. “Chakotay help me!” She screamed, feeling herself slipping away. “Tuvok! Anybody!”

“Shh. No one can hear you. Just go easy Captain, it’s for the best.”

“The best . . .” her eyes began going out of focus, “best . . . for . . .” the eyes began to close despite how much she willed them not to, “for . . .”

Flatline.

“Computer, make a note in the ship's log. Captain Kathryn Janeway expired at 52112.4. Cause, complete neural failure.”

The funny thing - if you could find any humor in murder - was that she felt herself slipping away. Her eyes closed, and the familiar sensation of falling didn’t happen right away. In fact, it took so long that she believed she was dead.

The voice of a single male began to grow in strength, and when she was finally able to open her eyes, she saw the figure of a man cloaked in darkness. Was this the same dark figure she had seen before between realities?

“Good morning Captain. Or should I say good evening?”

“What?” She asked feeling groggy.

“Tsk, tsk, tsk.” The man scolded, clicking his tongue.” I see you’re going to be defiant again today. Perhaps our last encounter wasn’t enough of a lesson for you.”

“I don’t understand.” She replied, genuinely confused.

The man studied her for a moment, realizing she wasn’t intentionally being perverse. _Perhaps the drug had blanked her memory._ He thought. “All right Captain, let’s try this again. What are Starfleet’s intentions? Are they planning an attack? How much do they know about our defenses?”

 _What the hell is happening now?_ She wondered and attempted to move until she realized she was restrained. This situation, this feeling of helplessness she knew well, and began to panic, struggling.

“I’m afraid your attempt at freedom is quite useless. Those restraints are made of a tritainum alloy, impossible to break. “Now,” he said, slamming his hands on the sides of the armrests, getting her total attention, “what were you doing in the badlands?”

His face was inches from hers, and for the first time could see clearly. He was Cardassian. “I . . .” She began, stuttering slightly. It may have been un-captain like, but she had long waved goodbye to her pride and control at this point, too much had happened in the last several weeks.

The whole situation - not just this one - had become an unending nightmare. No matter how careful she tried to be with anything, it always seemed to end in disaster. So, why bother? “I was there to capture the Maquis and bring them back to Earth.”

Sneering he replied. “How naïve do you think I am? You must take me for some sort of fool, Captain. Starfleet doesn’t send ships close to a Cardassian Battle Cruiser just to apprehend a few outlaws. You were there to spy on us, learn our secrets.”

Finally, after all this time, she’d had enough. “How paranoid are you? Is every member of your species this way or is it unique to you?” She said sarcastically.

He appeared shocked for a second, not expecting to hear what she said. When the shock subsided, anger replaced it. Drawing back, he backhanded her across the cheek, making her bite her tongue and sending a fine spray of blood from her mouth.

She was dazed for a moment, unsure what had just happened. Then, when the initial shock wore off, knew.

“If you continue to be defiant, I’ll have no choice but to kill you. Do you understand?”

Sitting upright again - after spitting out a mouth full of blood - she looked into his eyes and said. “It doesn’t matter if I’m dead. My life isn’t my own anymore.”

The falling sensation came again, much faster this time. When she opened her eyes, Doctor Burton was sitting in the chair at the foot of the bed.

“What do you mean?”

Dazed, she could feel the wrist and ankle cuffs against her skin, the weight of them drawing her into this reality. “What?” She questioned, hearing him speak.

“You said it didn’t matter if you were dead, that your life was no longer your own. What makes you think that?”

Had she been speaking to him, or had she actually been speaking to a Cardassian? She didn’t know for sure. In fact, she wasn’t sure about anything anymore, except that she wanted to see this end. It had to, one way or another.

When she didn’t reply, he said. “This has to stop Kathryn. Medical science can only do so much, but you have to start helping yourself. I can help you - I want to help you. You have the ability to get well if you look inside yourself and realize the truth. You were never in the Delta Quadrant, nor were you stranded there for seven years. Once you accept this, you can leave here to start living your life again. Isn’t that what you want?” She nodded, tears stinging her eyes. “Then let go and you will.”

“I’m afraid.” She replied in a soft quivering voice.

“Don’t be, I’ll be here with you every step of the way.” He said kindly. “And you can start by denouncing those fantasies aloud.”

“I . . . I can’t.”

“Yes, you can.” He stressed. “You’ve given them power, substance. Fantasies can’t take over your life unless you let them. Take this first step with me, I know you can do this.” He pressed, despite what he’d warned her family against doing.

“Stop it!” She replied, her hands over her ears, eyes closed tightly. “Stop pushing me!”

“Look at me, Janeway!” The Cardassian said grabbing her by the hair and pulling down forcibly so she looked at him whether she wanted to or not.

Everything was changing so fast, jumping from reality to reality in the blink of an eye. If this went on much longer, she felt she really would lose her mind. Or had she already?

“Tell me what you know of Starfleet’s plans, and if I don’t like what I hear, I will take more persuasive measures.” He threatened with a pleasure-filled smile, inviting her to do the opposite as he tightened his grip on her hair.

It felt as if he were pulling it out by the roots. “Let me go!” She cried.

“Kathryn.” Doctor Burton said firmly in an attempt to get her attention. “No one-“

The door slid open and Preston rushed in. The first thing he saw was red. Seeing the doctor standing over his sister and she bent forward in the chair with both hands gripping her head, enraged him. “Katie!” He cried before leaping forward and pushed the doctor off his feet, making him impact face-first into the wall. “It’s Preston Katie. I won’t let anyone hurt you.” He promised before returning his steely blue gaze to the doctor. “Get out.” He ordered, his voice sounding eerily calm.

There was something inherently dangerous about his tone. He’d heard it many times from many people. “Look,” he began, his nose bleeding but ignored it. His hands stretched out in front of him, palms up, “I never touched her. We were talking and the next she’s bent forward the way she is now.”

Preston could tell the man was telling the truth. Intelligence training had taught him how to read people, to look for the vocal and physical clues that always gave the person away no matter what they said or did. “Leave us alone. I’ll take over from here.”

He would be a fool to protest, even though his own training told him to stay. He nodded, leaving quietly.

Once he was gone, Preston knelt before his sister, and despite what he’d been warned not to do, grasped her by the wrists to pull her arms down so she would look at him. She struggled for a moment until she saw the deep look of concern in his eyes. “You’re all right Katie. I didn’t spend my entire life watching out for you to stop now.” He said forcing a smile.

“Make it stop please.” She pleaded.

“Make what stop?” He replied confused.

“I can’t take it anymore.” Leaning forward, the top of her head rested against his chest as she broke down into tears.

“You’re tears are touching.” The Cardassian said, mocking sympathy as he placed a hand on his chest. “They truly are, but you still haven’t told me what I want to know.” He finished before reaching over to pick up a slender metal rod. Holding it up, he showed it to her. “Do you know what this is?”

She shook her head slowly, feeling her tired mind shutting down. If that happened, she wasn’t sure what the result would be.

“This,” he began proudly, “is a primitive version of an electro-shock rod. According to your planet’s history, neurologists used this on people suffering from unipolar neurosis. Only this administers a far more powerful jolt. The pain is really secondary, I find. Most people don’t even remember the pain. What makes them so eager to talk is an aversion to the process. This might almost be called an atavism.

“This can be touched to be extremities . . . the torso . . . the genitals, of course . . . I’m sure you get the idea.”

Her eyes widened in fear, knowing it wasn’t beyond him to attempt it.

“One never forgets the sensation once they’ve experienced it, I assure you, Captain.” He said turning on the device before slowly reaching out to touch her hand with it.

“Don’t touch me!” She cried, pushing Preston away.

He fell back on his butt, surprised. “Katie, what’s wrong with you?”

“He’s going to electrocute me!”

“Who is?”

“The Cardassian!”

“There’s no one here besides you and me.” He replied getting on his feet and knelt before her again, grabbing her firmly by the arms. “Focus on me!” He demanded. “Concentrate on my voice! What’s happening here and now!”

She shook her head wildly, struggling to get away. “Let me go!”

“Focus Katie!” He demanded, shaking her slightly. “Are you remembering what the Cardassian’s did to you!? Are you!?”

“I can’t stay!” She screamed looking at him. “I have to get out of here!”

“You will. I promise.” He said calmly.

“You don’t understand! I-“

A swift numbing feeling coursed through her body, making her feel as though she were vibrating. Her heart sped up and her teeth slammed down on her tongue, making blood pour from her mouth. Suddenly it stopped, and immediately pain rushed in to fill the void the numbness she’d been experiencing a few seconds earlier, left vacant. And in the middle of this, she could almost hear the sound of Chakotay’s voice. Or was she imagining it?”

“Feeling more cooperative Captain?” The Cardassian asked, looking pleased with himself. “Or do you require any more incentive?”

She couldn’t move very well, and it was difficult to lift her head. The residual pain and numbness still inhabited her limbs, except for her tongue. The explosive throbbing pain was almost more than she could bear. And for one horrifying moment, thought she had somehow managed to bite it in half.

“Now that I’ve got your attention, you finally understand I mean business. I haven’t the patience to play games with you.”

“Kathryn! Hang on, we’re getting you out of here!”

It was Chakotay’s voice again but from where?”

“Let go of the memory Katie,” Preston said, holding her firmly by the shoulders. “If you ignore it, it can’t hurt you.”

He was right, she knew that. But was it strictly a memory? It felt too real. “How can you be sure?” She asked, her voice sounding small and weak.

“Because I am. I don’t know how to explain it any better than that.”

She was afraid, and she had every right to be. Her sanity, her future, perhaps even her very life rested on the word of a man she couldn’t remember. What if he was wrong? But what if he was right? Came her inner voice. Even if he isn’t, you can’t keep going on this way, you said so yourself. This has to end. Why not now? Staring blankly, she could hear Chakotay’s voice again.

“Don’t let go, Kathryn. Focus on my voice.” And she did.

Preston could see the light in her eyes begin to grow dim, he was losing her. In a panic, he shouted for the doctor, for anyone. “Don’t leave me, Katie! Stay with me!”

Her vision began to dim, and the world around her faded away. A long-awaited peace began to come over her, and she embraced it.

The doctor, along with Mark and Gretchen rushed into the room.

“What happened?” The doctor asked.

“We’re losing her! You have to do something!”

At first, it appeared to him that she was slipping into another trance, but realized it was more than that. Normally, even in a semi-cationic state, she could sit up on her own, this time she wasn’t. Preston was having to keep her upright. “Let me look at her.” He said moving forward.

Gretchen attempted to approach her as well until Mark stopped her by grasping her by the arm. “I wouldn’t. You’ll only get in his way.”

She knew he was right but didn’t have to like it. Kathryn was her child for Christ’s sake and felt she should be at her side.

“Captain, can you hear me?” The doctor asked after he’d shown a penlight in her eyes, checking her pupils. They were sluggish. She could hear him, but vaguely. “Say something, or blink if you can hear me.”

She didn’t feel like doing either, but before it was too late said. “Goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” Gretchen questioned alarmed. “What do you mean by that?”

“Dammit Katie, you’re not doing this to me!” Preston said. “Now snap out of it!”

She did nothing of the kind. Instead, she surrendered to the dark filled peace. The last voice she heard was that of her mother screaming. “You come back to me, Kathryn! Do you hear me!? KATHRYN!” Then was engulfed by the darkness.

“She’s gone.” The doctor said sadly, scanning her with a tricorder.

“What do you mean she’s gone?” Preston demanded.

“I’m not reading any neural activity.”

“There has to be something you can do to bring her back?” Gretchen pleaded.

“I’m sorry. There’s nothing I can do.”

Gretchen broke down, her legs going out from under her. Mark caught her and held her against him as she cried. He was no exception.

Preston pressed his sister to him, tears falling from his eyes as well, and mourning for her, himself, their mother, and Mark. “Please come back, Katie.” He pleaded softly against her ear. “Please.” But knew it was pointless, he had lost her forever. This woman he had grown up with, this woman he considered more than just his sister, but his friend. And more than that, he had lost a woman who inspired and challenged him. As he stroked her hair he said. “I love you Katie, and I always will. I’ll never forget you.”

As Kathryn drifted toward consciousness, she could hear voices - however distant - but lacked the strength to open her eyes. She felt incredibly groggy, and before long, would slip back into an unconscious state no matter how much she tried to fight it.

“How is she, Doctor? Will she be all right?” Chakotay asked.

“Physically yes, but as for her mental state, I honestly don’t know.” He replied sadly. “She was pumped so full of drugs that I wouldn’t be surprised if she’s completely lost touch with reality.”

“When will you know anything?” Chakotay asked after a few seconds.

“In a few hours. In the meantime, you should yet some rest.”

Whether he followed the Doctor’s advice or not, she didn’t know. Sleep had claimed her.

***

Over the next six weeks, she had struggled with her fears and doubts, wondering when the switch to another reality would come, or when. Time would be the determining factor, as it was in relation to all things. There were times she would awake confused, unsure of where she was. Then after a few terrifying moments, realization dawned on her, and her heart would slow it’s hammering.

These days, she was withdrawn, perhaps even secretive, and this concerned everyone. Would she ever be the same again? Unlikely, given what she’s been through. No one ever really goes back to the way they used to be after a traumatic experience, they just try to learn to live with it.

Chakotay was thinking about it when he entered seeing Kathryn sitting on a sofa in the mess hall staring out the window, a cup of coffee in her hand. Some things never change and was pleased to know some things never do.

Kathryn twisted her body toward the sound of the door abruptly, almost spilling what was left of her coffee. Sudden moves or sounds still possessed the power to frighten her, as they would for a long time to come.

In the shadows, Chakotay raised his hands and took a step forward into the dim light. “It’s Chakotay,” he announced, “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to scare you.”

“It’s all right.” She replied, looking a bit shaken, but hiding it well.

“I wanted to visit with you for a while before I turned in.” He said awkwardly as he took a few more steps toward her. “I went to your quarters first, but you weren’t there obviously.” Then laughed nervously. “So, I had the computer locate you, and here you are.”

She said nothing, only stared at him.

“If you want to be alone, I’ll go. I just came to talk since we haven’t spoken in a while. I’ve missed you.” Several seconds passed, and for a moment, thought she wasn’t going to say anything.

“I’ve . . .” Did she dare say it? “Missed you too.” He smiled relieved while the corners of her lips hinted at the expression. “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

“Love one.” He replied and moved to the counter to grab a cup on his way over to her before sitting beside her.

She filled his cup from the pot on the table in front of her before filling her own. She sat leaning forward. Looking as though she were ready to stand up and walk away at any moment.

Chakotay couldn’t help but feel saddened by her drastic change. She didn’t behave like the woman he met seven years ago, had fallen in love with. That woman, who embraced life, rose to any challenge, spoke of art and literature, and believed that the exploration of space was one of the noblest endeavors man had ever accomplished. But there was no trace of any of those things in this woman. Leading him to wonder if those qualities had vanished. The battle, which was raging inside her, could be won in a day, a week, a year, or it may never be won. And it was the last prospect - more than the rest - that almost squeezed any hope he had out of him.

“How are you?” She asked finally.

“Not bad. You?” He replied gently.

“Better, I guess.” She said as she stared down into the black liquid and sighed. “I keep waiting, wondering when I’m going to open my eyes and find I’m somewhere else. But so far, that hasn’t happened. It’s been six weeks, and I’ve remained here far longer than I had in any other reality, one week longer actually.”

He nodded. “I understand what you’re going through. When I was drafted into that war years ago and thought I was fighting for justice, it turned out to be a lie. Granted I didn’t experience anything like you did, but I believed what I was doing was right, that it was real.” He paused leaning forward the way she was and sat the cup on the table. “I don’t know how to help you as much as I wish I did. You’re my best friend, my confidant, and my port in a storm. For the last five years, I’ve come to you with my worries and problems, and you’ve done the same. I wish there were some way I could make this place feel real for you, that I could convince you. But . . .” he sighed, spreading his hands, “I just don’t know how.” He finished, bowing his head and stared down at the floor between his feet.

“I want this to be real more than anything.” She said softly after a moment. “I want things to go on the way they always have. I want to go back to work, have dinners like we used to. Be able to close my eyes without the fear of wondering when I open them if I’ll be somewhere else. It’s hard to fall asleep on my own anymore because of this unyielding fear.” Tears welled in her eyes, and before she could stop them from falling, set down her cup and buried her face in her hands.

Carefully, Chakotay put an arm around her. She jumped, startled. “Let me hold you, Kathryn.” He said and waited to see what she would do next, and for a moment, thought she would jump up and run away from him as fast as she could, but didn’t. Instead, she turned her body toward him and buried her face in his shoulder. His other hand came up to join the other. “It’s all right, just let it all out. My shoulder’s always available to you, no questions asked.” He said before gently rubbing her back with one hand.

They stayed this way for more than an hour just holding each other. There was nothing that needed to be said, he understood her perfectly, more than anyone in his life. When the time came, they parted, and he walked her to her quarters in silence. It was just enough to be with her and know she trusted him.

Standing at the door he said. “Goodnight Kathryn. Pleasant dreams.” And smiled.

“You too.” She replied, returning the smile before watching him turn and walk away, heading for his quarters.

As he was about to disappear from view, called out. “Chakotay!”

He came to her, seeing the fear and uncertainty on her face and in her eyes. “What is it?”

“Would you . . .” she began, then trailed off, feeling foolish.

“Would you mind staying with me until I fall asleep. I’ll understand if-“

“Okay.” He interrupted, and smiled, taking her hand.

Looking up at him, she smiled shyly, thankfully, and led him inside toward the sofa. Once they were seated, he indicated that she lay her head on his lap. She appeared uncertain, and he could see it. “It’s all right. I just want you to be comfortable so you can relax. That is unless the idea makes you uncomfortable.” He could see her thinking it over, and after a few moments, laid her head on his lap.

At first, he could feel the tension in her body. But as he stroked her hair while humming softly, she felt her body relax. Another two hours passed before he was sure she was asleep. He didn’t want to disturb her rest, knowing how difficult it was for her to attain a state most people slip into naturally. So, he stayed where he was, eventually falling asleep with one hand resting on her side and his head resting on the cushioned back.

He dreamed of the ship he’d found Kathryn on, seeing her strapped down to a medical bed of some sort. He saw the reptilian man Wanti who’d been on Voyager, and the loss of his ship as it engaged its slipstream drive and disappeared. But the most disturbing part was reliving the moment Kathryn awoke in sickbay for the first time after she was rescued. She was screaming and behaved like a caged animal. She was a whole other person, not the woman he’d fallen in love with, and most certainly not the captain he had grown to respect. It was a side of her he never thought existed but had learned the error of his judgment.

Suddenly, he found himself returning to consciousness, induced by the woman he’d been dreaming about, Kathryn.

When she saw his eyes open, she removed her hand from his shoulder as he turned his head toward her. “Good morning.”

He smiled. “Good morning to you too. How did you sleep?”

“Better than I have in weeks.”

“Glad to hear it.”

Smiling slightly, she asked. “Would you like some breakfast?”

“Maybe later.”

She nodded, and awkwardness fell between them.

Sitting up a little straighter, he felt his neck protest. Rubbing it with one hand, he sat thinking.

“Chakotay,” she began, and he slowly turned his head to look at her.

“Yes?”

“I want to ask you something.”

“About?”

She took a deep breath. “The alien who . . . did this to me. I want to know what he wanted.”

It wasn’t easy for her to admit the possibility that she was abducted, and he knew it. It was a small step, but one in the right direction. “We don’t know much, only that he was seeking knowledge on the Caretaker. When he found out we were brought here by him, he became obsessed. He took you before we could stop him. I assume he chose you because you’re the captain and he felt you would know more than anyone. Beyond that, your guess is as good as mine.”

She only nodded, not knowing what to say, or if there were anything to say.

“Kathryn.” Chakotay began slowly.

“Yes?” She answered meeting his eyes.

“There’s something I’ve been wanting to say to you since your return. I know this isn’t exactly the right time, but I want you to know in case I never get another chance.”

“Go on.” She encouraged.

Closing his eyes, he took a breath and let it out slowly. “I made a promise to you five years ago that I would stay by your side, to do everything I could to make your burden lighter, and that hasn’t changed, nor will it ever so long as there’s breath in my body. So, what I’m trying to say is that I love you.”

She appeared stunned by his admission.

“I didn’t say it to make you feel uncomfortable. I said it because I wanted you to know just how much you mean to me.”

What could she say to that? How should she respond? Should she indulge her feelings or keep them locked inside? Besides, what if this wasn’t real? What if she were still being held prisoner somewhere? _Kathryn, you can’t keep second-guessing every moment and wonder if it’s real. You have to start living your life again. Why not now? Admit your feelings to him before you lose the chance._ Her inner voice instructed, and she listened for once in the last few weeks.

“You mean a great deal to me as well. I don’t know where I’d be without your support, your kindness. Sometimes it’s the only thing that gets me through the day.” She said looking down at her hands. “I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel the same way.”

Reaching out, he laid his hand over hers and gave it a gentle squeeze. Lifting her hand, she could see tears in his eyes and a smile on his lips. She smiled through her own tears and grasped his hand, curling her fingers around it.

The weeks grew to months and months to years. It had taken time for her to recover physiologically from the ordeal. But does one ever really recover? No, they must learn to deal with life on a moment-to-moment basis.

Kathryn had been lucky, and she knew it, perhaps more often than others. But she did have her share of pitfalls. Despite those instances, she had always somehow managed to pick up the pieces and move on with her life. Only now, she wouldn’t have to do it alone, she had Chakotay to lean on for the rest of her life.

**The End**

**Author's Note:**

> Members, as well as guests, are free and able to leave comments on any of my work.


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